Thank You

The end.

2007-08-08T10:39:00.001-07:00

I am a social creature my identity was karpet.

Karpet spawned from trying to create a sweet name for Counter-Strike in highschool. Originally it was supposed to be magic karpet, but I could not make the magic look sweet in leet speak. As such the name karpet (k4|2p3t) stuck and that is who I was. What followed was a sense of euphoria, when people in real life started to acknowledge me as karpet, the name fit.

I was blinded by a sense of community, camaraderie, and wholeness. I carried these vibes with me when I moved to Calgary and still identified with the name. First it was Counter-Strike and then IRC then forums and finally my blog.

However there was nothing magical about it at all, as we all know a carpet is an item that decorates the bottom, covers up imperfections, and has people walk over it. The more I associated with my online nickname, the more I came to being a carpet.

I truly would not trade all of the experiences I have had for anything. But growth is a tricky thing and much like the snake, I must shed some skin.

I will have another blog, it will be much like this one except it will be me Joshua writing everything with my own name.

A thank you goes out to everyone I have met as karpet, it has made my life far richer than I could imagine, and I can not wait to meet you all as the real me.

karpet

sweet bank stuff

2007-08-05T22:03:00.000-07:00

Okay so I did a couple of things this week.

I got myself a credit card for two reasons first my original one is starting to crack from where I had it in my wallet, and second is because I wanted to start earning aeroplan miles. The new card should be in the mail soon and I look forward to that.

I also reconfigured my chequing account from spending 12.95 a month to 3.90 a month. The bad thing is that I only get 10 free transactions, but that should be a good thing to teach me about budgeting and the like. Plus if for some reason I do go over that every transaction will only cost me 60 cents. So basically in order to spend as much as I was before on banking I would need to do a total of 25 transactions a month I mean at most I use maybe 15-20 and that is just because I had unlimited. Regardless I am saving money.

The one thing I was unsure about was if I keep a 1000.00 minimum in my bank I don't have to pay fees. I am not sure it works out due to interest and the like, I could be wrong, but that doesn't sound like a winning plan to me.

Anyways Hooray for happy banking times.

Joshua

The Way I See It #253

2007-08-01T12:17:00.000-07:00

"A mature person is one who can say: My parents may have made some mistakes raising me, but they did the best they could: now it's up to me." -Shannon Fry

Absolutely fucking brilliant quote. I really admire this Shannon person, and I think alot of people could learn something from him/her.

There is a certain blogger I read quite a bit that is always blaming his parents for all of his financial woes. I still respect the guy, but at some points I want to slap him and be like WTF are you talking about man grow a pair and evolve already. Harping on the past is lame (I should know) being able to accept things and go forward is so much more entertaining and enlightening.

Have a great day folks, Thank you Shannon you made my day.

Joshua

The day after...

2007-07-30T19:07:00.000-07:00

After my heart stopped I began thinking about all of my success and failure with the opposite (and same) sex. As such I feel anecdotal today and feel the need to have a back story.

I was raised by women. My grandmother, My mother, and my Aunts these were my role models growing up. They were all at one point or another bitter with men, much to the same extent men get about women I would assume. So their best intentions were to make me a better man. I was told all sorts of great and wonderful things that are really important. However the way in which I perceived these things was not so wonderful leading to my inability to interact with women the way a man should.

Even if not in their immediate presence my matriarchal guardians influences could still be felt. If I was out with my uncle and he had made a comment about some rather foxy lady, a day or two later he would say something about equality and not treating women like objects.

Again like I said all very well and good information, but my six or seven year old brain must have placed unusually significant importance on these bits culminating in some kind of uber-respectful-look-away-when-you-see-someone-fine kinda guy.

Again and I need to keep reiterating these points as being good and wholesome, however if that is my only dimension I see myself being relegated to best friend of the year category.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that I have not learned how to be really comfortable around women and this has impeded my ability to do an innumerable amount of things.

While I welcome support and suggestions lets please keep things civil and respectful.

Thanks...

Joshua

When your heart stops...

2007-07-27T23:52:00.001-07:00

There is a moment when you feel you cannot breathe, it is true it is only a fraction of a second but it feels like an eternity. I think it was shock. Not like something actually happened, but the fantasy died. Even at the peak the fantasy was a mere glitch, but that glitch is over. Not dead, not living, not really anything. I am actually seeing things through different eyes. I can not explain it one bit. In fact I am quite shocked I am even talking about this because it is very silly. Maybe it is because I can not rationalize my way out of this, or maybe because I have rationalized it to death. Its not real, not not real, just not existent ever. why am I still thinking. The blandness is consuming.

edit:

Oh man I am so glad what happened happened. I have suddenly found this huge freedom from within, a renewed zest for life, hell maybe even a rebirth. I am seriously elated its 3:30 in the AM, and I am buzzing with excitement. I can not wait to see what the future brings. Thank you ever so much.

Joshua

Premium Life: Evolution

2007-07-26T11:53:00.000-07:00

Due to the complexities of such a grandiose vision I see no good reason to limit the premium life's potential to a three part series. The premium life concept has no boundaries, it is an ever evolving state. This is not to say that I should never be content, but instead achieve the best that my means will allow.

I had mentioned in my last post about goals and lofty dreams, these goals are exactly what I mean by the evolving nature of this concept. I wanted to talk about homes and cars and family, however they are not applicable to my current state and as such will only throw me off the path.

Losing sight of the here and now to the indeterminable future is dangerous, and will negatively affect my current state of happiness. I would be thrown into a downward spiral of have and have not which will only worsen things. Instead I have chosen to think about these things, but understand that they will come when the time is right.

I hope that I have made my intentions clear, as well as added insight into the thoughts buzzing through my brain.

Until next time I wish you all the best, and may you find what it is you are looking for.

Joshua

Premium Life (part two)

2007-07-19T12:43:00.000-07:00

As promised here is part two of my series on my 'premium life' I hope it is enlightening.

One of the biggest things that one must do is make sacrifices in life. Be it for yourself or for someone else. However making sacrifices is not an easy task. You need to see beyond the immediate, and look for the overall benefits associated with your sacrifices. If you don't you will end up miserable, dragging everyone around you down.

A really good example of this is my boss and his wife. They came to Canada to make a better life for their son. They are not alone in this desire. They left behind money, houses, comfort, and family so that their son would be able to live a good life. My boss does not seem to be too upset about everything and manages to get through everyday with a smile. His wife on the other hand, feels completely different. To skip the hurtful and misguided ramblings on my bosses wife, I will just say that she is one woman who hasn't accepted her sacrifices with an open heart. I have talked about certain aspects of her personality with my boss and his best response was she is not unhappy, but she is not happy.

This is one thing that I do not want to have happen to me with my sacrifices, or this whole premium life thing is garbage.

But what are acceptable sacrifices? For me two of the things on their way out is beer and chips. I can confidently say that chips have not been in my stomach for nearly three months. The only thing with chips is that I work at a gas station and I see them five out of seven days, so almost everyday is a constant battle of saying no. Really there is nothing gained by eating chips though, other than fat. Quite the opposite of that is beer. Beer is an integral part of socialization where am from, it has been difficult drawing the line for beer. I am avoiding socialization for the very reason that I know beer will be involved in some way shape or form no matter what I do here. By avoiding it however I am more than likely putting some serious strain on some low threshold friendships.

Even still letting go of two things a total life makeover does not make. There is definitely more that needs to be sacrificed. And here is where it gets tricky. It would seem that I am not being entirely honest with myself, because as much as I want the better life later on I am not bringing my life down to zero. If all I spent my money on was coffer and cigarettes I would be a happy man. But then life comes at you: I found a bicycle, okay so I am planning on bringing it to Vancouver so buying new tires for it would make sense. Oh man I would love an energy drink, its cool because I am making sacrifices by not eating chips or drinking beer. Hey thats a bottle of Zippo lighter fuel, man I hate using these bics. Huh, I'm only 5 minutes away from value village lets take a look inside, Wow thats a great shirt. It is stopping those moments, its stopping the frittering of my money that is going to win this war. Thats not to say I can go out and eat a bag of chips or buy a six pack because I am stopping the frittering, but its in the combination that success will prevail.

I was not planning on a part three, however as work draws nearer I must finish what I am doing and come back to it another day. Look forward to part three where I discuss some of the positive things I am doing and some lofty goals for the future.

Thanks

Joshua

Premium Life (part one)

2007-07-17T14:44:00.000-07:00

I am not entirely sure how to introduce this multi part concept with out looking like a douche bag, but I am sure that the people who know me best will understand where I am going, and those that don't can go fuck themselves.

A lot of the things I do I do because I enjoy, or so I tell myself. My biggest vices at the moment are coffee and cigarettes. I do not want these things to add a negative vibe to my life, I want them to be happy things that I really do enjoy. In order for me to switch from need to want I have decided to look at the things I do differently. My hope is that by changing the way I look at these things, these things will indeed change.

First and foremost is the smoking. Smoking has consumed my life. When I cannot buy cigarettes I get depressed emotional and unhappy. That needs to change immediately. One option I have noticed a lot of people, me included have tried is buying crappy cheap cigarettes. I have as mentioned done that, and I can say that I am not a fan. My choice has now been to smoke really good cigarettes, and work my nicotine levels down through that brand. I started with B&H black, it took a while to get used to the flavor and the way the smoke feels in my mouth. Once I got used to it and started to enjoy it, I moved down to B&H gold. I am now in the getting used to it stage, and when I get used to that mentally and physically I will switch to silver. By the time I get to silver there should be reduced levels of nicotine in my system where I should be able to comfortably start reducing the amount of cigarettes I smoke in a day. Reducing the amount of which I smoke will have two benefits. The first benefit will be a significant amount of money saved, and less tar staining my teeth and getting into my lungs. Lastly I feel good smoking these cigarettes, which makes me happy and that is important.

Next comes the coffee. I am a huge fan of gas station coffee, I love the taste I love the feel and I love the peasant feel about it all. Sadly gas station coffee is not the most consistent coffee on the planet. Some owners worry about the bottom line too much, and others just don't care about the quality of the coffee or how fresh it is. I really enjoy coffee, it is something that makes my day. If I was a true purist I would go all out. I would buy mineral water, I would roast my own beans, I would grind my own beans, I would buy the best coffee machine money could buy, I would maintain my coffee machine with regular vinegar and reverse osmosis water treatments. However that is far too much work, and the cost outlay is far too great at this moment in time. What I have done though is start drinking starbucks coffee. I bought a starbucks coffee card that I can load either online with my credit card or in a store. The reason I bought the card is so that when my cash runs out I can still go get coffee. It sounds a bit odd I know, if only I maintained a budget and yada yada yada, but I am trying my best, and this solution fits. The other plus is that no matter where I go, its the same coffee, they have standards, they rotate pots in a timely fashion, and this is what they do. They make their money selling coffee thats it. In theory then they should have a consistent taste no matter what time of day or no matter where I go. It sounds all very logical in my head.

This concludes part one, come back soon to read part two all about sacrifices, and life changing Ideas.

thanks.

Joshua

Reset Days

2007-07-13T05:25:00.000-07:00

I have these days that I call reset days. My circadian rhythm gets out of whack and these days help me be normal. They usually include me going to bed late and waking up early. Usually I fall asleep at 4 or 5 and wake up at 10 or 11 some times earlier sometimes later but usually that format somewhere between 4-6 hours and then I get some sleep and I am good for a week or two. Today seems like it should be a reset day, however its 6:30 and I cant go to bed. I have to beup at say 1pm or 1:30pm so I can get ready for work at 3. I do not know what I am going to do.

good night.

Joshua

Your rung on the ladder of life.

2007-06-27T12:50:00.001-07:00

I have recently been thinking about this guy I know, and how his life is. Nothing about this guy really matters. When I say that I mean his name, what he does, where he is from, or his relation to me. The only thing that matters is that he exists.

For whatever reason this guy never really fit into popular society. Not the popular people, just the realm of what people think of as good. This guy is definitely not a bad guy, he merely doesn't fit. He has friends, not always the best friends, however something is better than nothing.

When I think of him in comparison to me *or* semi well adjusted people (note: I wouldn't say that I am well adjusted) the sentiments 'something is better than nothing' really shine through. That would be this guys motto.

When you have had nothing for quite some time, anything looks damn attractive. This can be said for a multitude of things so we will leave it at that. However just because you have something it doesn't mean that it is good. It is just something.

Now I have been criticized in the past for always looking for something better, and not being happy with what I have. For me this is because I know the difference between good, great, and bad.

The best example I can come up with for this is computers. I have had some really amazing computers. A few that come to mind are the IBM X30, the Power Macintosh 6500, and the G4 Desktop. These were solid machines that did everything I asked of them and wouldn't back down. I have had some pretty crappy machines the iBooks, the PI desktops, the Duo, the 580c, 5300c, the AIO, and others just to name a few. These ones just couldn't meet my needs, plain and simple. Now in the course of my life I have lost some good finds and some bad finds. However now when I am out looking for computers I have a broad base of experiences to help me make better choices.

You need both the good and the bad to make proper choices in life. Sometimes you need to let go of the good now for the better later on, Sometimes you hold on to the bad for longer than you should.

I'm not writing this to give guidance to anyone, nor do I want anyone to really listen to me. I think some of these things needed to be said. At the very least they might spark some good old conversation.

Joshua

Regrets continued

2007-06-26T03:17:00.000-07:00

The thing I like about posting my regrets is that once I have them on here, I think about them for a couple of days afterwards and then poof they are gone. Its like a mental cleansing.

This one does not have to do with anyone other than myself. Oh man, being 18 was sweet. Lets look at some of the highlights.

First I dropped out of school to basically play Counter-Strike at a LAN cafe. Not the worst mistake an 18 year old could make I am sure, however it was not the smartest thing I could have done. There is a gigantic difference when you say "I graduated from high school" to "I have enough credits to be considered a graduate, I just never got the piece of paper" although in the final analysis it is the same thing, but one has a psychological effect on me and one would have been nice, You can figure that bit out.

Second taking the easy route and moving to Calgary with my mother in October of 2003. This one is a tad more complicated. When I was 18 I saw two options one was live on my own in Vancouver, or move to Calgary and live with my mother.

Obviously the last thing I really wanted to do was live with my mother. Not that I did not love my mother, not that I hated my mother, but I was lazy. The initial news that my mom was moving to Calgary came some time in August at the time I think, late august makes more sense looking back on it. So that would have left me with September and two weeks in October plus a week in August (if you are counting thats 7 weeks) to go from 0 money in the bank to having enough for a down deposit and one months rent, move / throw out all of my stuff, and grow up and become an adult. Versus enjoy 7 weeks of hanging out with friends, going to LAN, partying, and letting some movers do all of the work. You tell me what sounded easier? I can even remember the hilarity of saving money for when I got here, by the time all was said and done I had 50.00 in the bank when I got here. That money was gone in about 3 days.

One option I thought of once I was here was I could have moved in with my poor aunt, she could have used the money I would have given her for rent. Finding a place to live was going to be real hard. I was making 8 or so dollars an hour working the standard 40 per week. With 7 weeks I was looking at 2240.00 if I did absolutely nothing all of that time. That would not have been realistic once you factor in my two pack a day of smoking habit at the time, Yes I could have cut down but I mean we would be looking at a pack every 24 hours at the least. I could not for the life of me tell you how much a pack of cigarettes were back then, but it was probably 8 something. Bye bye close to 400 dollars at the best woo-hoo 1840.00. factor in food/lan/life/friends for 7 weeks good by 600. hello 1240, cell? bye 40 hello 1200.

Sadly had I done this when I was 18 I might have seen this would have worked out. I mean paper and life are different yes. but at Minimum wage I would have probably had enough for 600 a month tops for rent and then the rest for food and the like. And if I had made an effort to cut back on the hedonism I would have done quite well.

Actually if you can get through all of the Josh writing this is a valuable lesson in planning. Because if I had done this 4 years ago, I might have stayed in Vancouver. But I was blind and everything seemed so damn hard. Well, I do not know how to close this one off. But I will try and think of something clever and maybe post a comment.

Sorry about the terrible writing skills, but they get the job done.

Joshua

Sony Ericsson k790a

2007-06-20T10:19:00.000-07:00

Ah, You have no idea how good it feels to have a decent cell phone.

I bought this phone yesterday off of someone that responded to my craigslist ad. Since then I have flashed the phone so it is no longer rogers branded, and I just ordered a new housing for it.

I would post pictures, but my digital camera would not do this phone justice.

Once I get the housing or I find some more money which ever comes first, I need to go buy a sony M2 digital memory card, and then I think that will be all I need to spend on the phone.

Its like heaven it really is.

Joshua

Murdering Time.

2007-06-15T13:17:00.000-07:00

I am sitting in front of a computer, I want to spend sometime writing something good. Everything is sort of calm, maybe calm of the storm? I am not entirely sure how to describe this feeling.

I t i s m o r e l i k e t i m e i s m o v i n g v e r y s l o w l y d o y o u u n d e r s t a n d w h a t I m e a n ?

Hurry up and speed up time. Gosh!

Anyways I will post more later.

Joshua

Lurk

2007-06-06T12:03:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I have been lurking on xanga today. I feel kind of dirty thinking about it, curiosity however got the better of me.

Incidentally I have an xanga account, weird eh? xanga.com/iamkarpet

I did a bit of a post there just so I did not look weird or anything. You know how dreadfully awkward it would feel to be weird right? so thats that then.

My grandfather had asked for my help to rearrange some furniture for him in his bedroom. First he takes me off to breakfast, Then he feeds me beer, and then gives me a digital camera. Okay I know they want to get rid of things in their house and all, but the camera I got was better than the one my grandmother had so I do not understand why she just did not take this one. Anyways I graciously accepted the camera, and have been fiddling with it for a bit. I do not have a beautiful portfolio yet, but just you wait!

What else.

I have to work today. Work is alright I suppose. My boss has type 2 diabetes.

One thing that I would like to do before I leave town is to have a beer with both Don and Remigio. Obviously not at the same time, but maybe my last week in town. Because that will be around the One year mark for both incidents, and I would deeply like to close this headache and leave Calgary with good vibes. Naturally I can not assume this will go over smoothly with either party, but if I do not try I might feel worse.

Sadly the motives behind this are truly selfish, as I can only imagine that both parties involved have moved on with their lives and are quite happy. The best thing might just be to leave well enough alone and chalk this up to weird shit that happened in my life. My main reason for not wanting to do that though is once I leave Alberta, I will never really look back. That is a good thing yes, but there is the chance that if I do not rectify this that some time in the future these actions will come back to haunt me.

There is one more possibility, and that is that I am over thinking this way too much, which really is my style. I suppose the best thing that I can do at this very moment is to let this record of my intentions rest for a while. Later say in two or three months take a look at this post, and if I feel the same way I will take action. Otherwise, these matters are dead to me and I need to plan for the future and live in the moment.

Joshua

Bye Bye Vista

2007-06-05T15:14:00.000-07:00

I have been really happy with Debian, I look for reasons to turn on my desktop just so I can use the system. I have not been that happy with vista. Do not get me wrong vista is one of the nicest offerings from Microsoft in a LOOOOONG time, but it is not that great that I want to be on it every moment of everyday.

I also went to go look at the Nokia N95 today, the shop I went to did not have any in stock, however for 950 they could get me one. So I am now selling my bicycle and Phone so that I can buy the N95. If nothing sells then I will not buy the Nokia, and if just the bicycle stuff sells then I can use that money somewhere, and if the phone only sells then I have a reason to buy a new cell phone :P

I am also going to have to sell my desktop because well I wont be able to take it with me. That is another reason I am installing Debian on the laptop because I want Debian, it is good, and having it with me is good.

Anyways off I go I will keep you all posted.

Joshua

Luke Skywalker Bitch!

2007-06-01T12:05:00.000-07:00

I have recently hurt my pinky which I suspect is sending toxins into my arm which is causing the spasms in my arm preventing me to sleep comfortably. This accompanied by other minor accidents may result in the removal of my arm. I am not a doctor so I do not know for sure, but it is sort of like when old people are dying they know they will be going soon.

I have always wanted to be half robot and this would be my chance, I will keep you posted.

More sleepless nights ahead.

Joshua

2007-05-27T22:36:00.000-07:00

It is funny how the world works. When everyone is telling you you should not do something you question their intentions of letting you live your life. Then when people start saying you should do something you question their concern for your life.

I am planning this big thing and the three people who I have talked to have been fully supportive, they tell me the plan sounds good and that I should do it. Some how though I feel as if smoke is being blown up my ass.

This comes up to yet another giant fear that I have been having lately, which is that I might be secretly retarded and everyone is too kind to actually tell me to my face.

Maybe I am just paranoid by nature. I know for sure I am very aware of past mistakes – Tofino, or SAIT any one? Regardless, I think I am just going to stick to my guns and let my cards fall where they may. A passport and a savings will surely have some benefit, no?

Joshua

See what I mean

2007-05-23T06:38:00.000-07:00

I realize you can't actually see what I mean, here because you are not behind the monitor, but this is the first Linux box where the vibrancy of the colors really stand out, where the whites don't hurt my eyes, and where using Linux doesn't seem like a pain.

The only real cool thing about this screen shot is the wallpaper, I'm sorry. Other wise this is just your standard gnome install, like on any other system.

This isn't the first time I have used X.org versus X11 but this is the first time where everything has been dialed out of the box. Its really hard to explain the wonders of everything working properly, because for many windows users this is just expected and you don't think about it. I cant say that I am an old hand at Linux, as I have only been using it for 2 or 3 years, but the strides that have been made since I started is quite amazing.

Debian and Gnome have come along way since the days I was running it on my iBook, and I have to say that this is probably one of the nicest setups I have run in a while. I know I say that a lot, but this is really a breath of fresh air compared to the BSD desktop I had set up earlier. Again I don't want to offend anyone and I have a whole series of posts about whats good for me and what isn't regarding desktops.

Really not much more to say I just wanted to throw up a screen shot and rant about how sweet my little box is.

Joshua

The PIII that could

2007-05-21T17:13:00.000-07:00

I think I have told the story of my Pentium III in fact there is even a screen shot of it running NetBSD and Gnome. I had mentioned that one of the major problems I was having with the system was a major lack of ram. Other minor things not mentioned were the refresh rate with X and the inconsistency of things on the BSD side. I don't want to get into trouble here, but my preferences for a desktop system do not include pure BSD and the way to go.

being kinda sad that I didn't like BSD anymore for desktop computing I just let this poor old Pentium collect dust. My grandfather wanted a new computer and so I offered him the Pentium. My mother said that she would get a copy of XP and then I could install it on this and give this to my grandfather and all would be good. My mother still has not gotten XP and so this poor computer sat.

I decided today that I should dig out some Debian and give it a whirl just to kill a day. Debian and gnome have always made sense, and so far I am quite happy with the system. Its eye candy is simple and pleasing to the eye. the resolution is a bit low but the refresh rate is alot higher so my eyes are not crying. I must say I am quite happy.

Just thought I would do some sharing about the computer and Debian.

Joshua

My Grandfather

2007-05-15T11:39:00.000-07:00

Hey kids.

So this is a story of my grandfather. He is a pretty cool guy, I cant lie. His views on the world, really make me feel good. My grandfather doesn't usually say much but when he does, 90% of the time I am really glad I heard him.

The only real problem I have with my grandfather is that he wants to throw money at me. Most people would be ecstatic about that, and I'm sure under the right circumstances I would be too. His intentions are good and great, but I don't think he understands how that money would affect me. I'm at this stage in my life where I am trying to better myself, on my own terms by myself. Its like a coming of age thing. The last thing I really need is money thrown at me. I wouldn't fully understand what to do with this money and it probably would go to no good.

I make just over 1200 a month with a third of my money going to rent that is just over 800 cash free and clear to do with as I please. That is more money than I have ever really had, minus October to December of 2006. The fact here is that there isn't really a money problem, there is a personal problem that adding more money to the situation won't solve. Unless I learn how to use money properly nothing good will ever happen.

This isn't the first time my grandfather has offered to help me financially, and I appreciate his commitment to trying, but I wish I could say something like "all I want from you is your love, support, and patience" Actually I think I could just say that and it would come across great.

So to you the reader, um... Love your relatives, build strong ties, and enjoy the things money can't buy... sound good, no?

Joshua Varner

More regrets and stupid moments.

2007-05-10T11:16:00.000-07:00

I'm really starting to think that this blog should be renamed Josh's regrets and stupid memories blog, however the fodder in my head wants to come out and content is good so whatever.

I don't really remember a lot of this moment other than it happened. When I was probably 17 there wasn't much you could do that was exciting, such as going to the bar, I mean now being 22 its not that exciting but when you were too young to go out and have fun you can imagine the stress.

Most of our nights were consisted of calling each other to make sure that there was someone to hang out with, followed by finding a car. Once the people and the car were established it was pretty much go get food somewhere (sushi, or fast food) then maybe drive around or just chill somewhere.

Growing up in Richmond as I did we had this lovely thing called night market. You could go get cheap food and cheap plastic crap being hocked by up standing merchants. This place was a great diversion to the normal food / drive routine.

One night Gordon and I were hanging out by ourselves. This wasn't really uncommon as we spent quite a bit of time together, thinking back on it it was kinda weird. It pretty much always boiled down to me never having enough money and him sort of funding our night. So we went to night market. We wandered up and down the makeshift lanes looking at crap when we get to the cell phone booth.

As an aside, Everyone and there dog had a modified Nokia, it was insane. You could get new lights in new covers, new keypads, little phone charms it was so damn cool.

I didn't have a cell phone, but Gordon did, and It was one of those sweet nokia phones. We looked and we talked we shopped, we priced, but we didn't buy. Oh man, I was choked. For some reason I was so mad at Gordon for not buying some plastic crap it was real intense. I think we even had a yelling match in his car as we drove to McDonalds.

I cant really remember when this happened in the time frame of our friendship but somewhere along the way Gordon and I never really hung out as much as we used to and things just kind of slipped away into oblivion. I am pretty damn sure that there were a multitude of reasons for this to happen, but this incident still haunts me today 5 years after the fact.

I want to apologize and say that I was an enormous dick. Not just for that incident but for everything that ever happened. I don't know if I will ever get the chance, or if it will ever matter. Actions as they say are bigger than words, and where I sit today 600km away from Gordon, I don't know what actions will make up for all of that.

There should be a message to you the reader, but all I can think of right now is don't be a jerk, and thats not too helpful.

Joshua Varner

New Screen shot

2007-05-05T11:11:00.000-07:00

Nothing super fancy really. Just a screen shot of Gnome and Netbsd.

The box is hardly used at the moment. There is almost no ram in the machine so its kinda difficult to really use gnome. When I absolutely need the speed I go ahead and use fluxbox which has always been sort of useable for me.

The biggest draw back to fluxbox though is it doesnt seem like a desktop where gnome does. Now I realize that it is just a window manager and that is all good but I like my icons and my menus and all that jazz.

So until I get more ram I will just turn this box on every now and then and see how she is doing otherwise she sits idle. I feel kinda bad, but what can I do 128mb of ram and gnome dont mix.

Joshua

One of my big regrets.

2007-05-01T12:55:00.000-07:00

Story time children.

When I was in grade 9 the school board thought it would be a great idea to teach us all about sexual education. My teacher was a lady by the name of Ms. Dick, -aside: I guess she was so turned off of her last name that she eventually decided that being a lesbian would be a much better way to go, that is however another story. She was a bullish figure who relished in dominating over angst ridden adolescents, such was the case for one special sexual education lesson.

There was a guy in our class who had turrets, I don't believe it was much of a secret amongst staff and student, its one of those conditions its hard to ignore. I don't remember the finite details of the lesson plan only that it was the fine young mans time to read some phrase or sentence. The unfortunate happened the word penis came up in this sentence. He halted he couldn't say anything there was a block in brain and nothing was coming out. My ever so thoughtful and sensitive teacher made quite the scene out of all of this, she was ranting and raving on how its a word and how you need to be open about these things. Mind you her tone was as haggardly as a fisherman's wife.

This wasn't the environment of preference for Mr. Turrets and a long stream of colloquial terms for penis spewed forth. Having been a washed in pleasantries my teacher was furious.

To this day I am still a tad miffed about the whole thing. This ladies attack on a vulnerable student largely for her own amusement undoubtedly fucked this poor kid up. I wanted to stand up and be like "You did this! you made him nervous and you caused this to happen, you are a bad person" I was never able to do that and I regret it to this day.

I occasionally run into Mr. Turrets and every time I see him I feel kind of ill inside, its like a little reminder that I failed him and more than likely a lot of other people in my life because I was too scared to stand up and shout. By explaining this and having a lasting copy of it on my blog maybe I will be stronger the next time I see injustice around me.

Hopefully you too the reader will find some courage in this, or maybe you can laugh, or at the very least understand what I have written. Sometimes I worry that I didn't tell a proper story. I am sure though that you see where I am going and the importance of it all.

Joshua Varner

$1086.19

2007-04-25T12:35:00.000-07:00

Hey

I've been feeling this weird sensation come over my body lately. I don't know how to describe it its just weird. I feel different, I have ideas buzzing through my head and I want to scream them to the roof tops. Yet when I try and make sense of these thoughts and put them somewhere, they vanish faster than they arrived.

There is this desire to speak out to say 'What the fuck' . I think there is a lot of wrong surrounding me and someone somewhere needs to go 'stop!'. My biggest fear though is consuming myself with rhetoric and just becoming a spouter of uselessness. That would be a big waste.

So until I can say what I need to say in a way that makes sense to me, I wont be saying anything at all.

***

Lately I have been feeling this emptiness growing inside of me. I have been calling it a void for a lack of a better word. It doesn't make me sad it doesn't make me happy it just exists, I guess you could say that is my emotional state. I'm not really worried about it either.

I have come to realize there is absolutely nothing wrong or terrible going on in my life. I don't need anything. I want things sure, but they aren't the be all and the end all. Like I said I am not really a word smith at this point, maybe later.

Joshua

Rain

2007-04-09T14:41:00.000-07:00

lol... Its raining in the land of Cows n' Cowboys again. The triumphant return of this natural phenomenon has me pondering the great mysteries of the universe. I would liken the rain to baptism in all its glory. Everything gets cleaned and you feel good inside. thats that.

Joshua

Buyers remorse

2007-04-08T08:29:00.000-07:00

I bought this laptop, I dont know why. but now I dont want it and its not getting sold. I just want it out of my life.

Joshua

Its cold

2007-04-04T09:16:00.000-07:00

its currently -8 with a windchill so its more like -17 its really cold out. there isnt really any heat in the house and all of my warm clothes are getting washed so I am lying in bed trying to stay warm. this is lame.

Do something you haven't

2007-04-03T11:25:00.000-07:00

I sit here at my computer thinking of all the things I haven't done. Its quite a hard thing to do really. I mean if there was something that I have always wanted to do but never did or was constantly thinking of things that I should have done this might be different. As it stands I have done quite a bit.

My list of things that I really want to do:

Bicycle touring
Travel

The tricky bit is that both of those are related.

As for all of the other things? The day to day things, the things that I can do when I am at home the "Hobbies" as they call them.

My list of attempted hobbies:

***edit***BORING CRAP DELETED***edit***

god this is boring...

Okay so I think I should come up with a list of things I want to do. regardless of having done them or not.

I don't know if I can do that here right now, but once i get a few ideas into my head I will post them.

Joshua

Feels like spring

2007-04-03T07:44:00.000-07:00

so I went for a coffee today April 3, 2007 on my bicycle :) jeepers I love this city

50 Klicks

2007-03-28T06:54:00.000-07:00

Is it klicks or Clicks?!?!

When I drive I sometimes have to ask myself why am I speeding? its tricky sometimes, I have to maintain my foot at the exact angle that lets the pedal administer the right amount of fuel to get the job done, and when I don't I have to worry about what gear I am in and when that is taken care of I need to worry about looking at my speedometer rather than the road and then I look at my tachometer and I wonder what the fuck am I doing in a car at all. At some point beyond 1 kilometer an hour with the radio playing and the heater on and my control behind the wheel it all comes together naturally but there is always something smaller nagging in the back of my mind. Minus comfort, and control what is the major deterrent for walking? I mean I am poor and no sane person would be driving a car there is no logical reasoning for this. Well Calgary is a tad gayer than most cities (check out map of Calgary on maps.google.ca) its really spread out, and I think our transit union will be going on strike soon, they are currently in 'work to rule' which means its uber uncool to be riding public transit right now. so yeah driving is good, Calgary is bad, walking is better, home doesn't exist, and OMFG.

Joshua

Smoking

2007-03-23T13:16:00.000-07:00

Smoking is as much about style and class as it is the need to get your fix. Allow me to elaborate.

When you see the guy smoking Canadian classics with his grubby clothes and unkempt appearance it says something. When you see the guy smoking Benson and hedges in his suit dressed to kill it says something.

Branding is an important part of our lives. It also would appear to be regional. When I lived in Vancouver it was all about the Marlboro and Mild Sevens. Here I suppose its just premium cigarettes.

For some reason I always want to smoke Benson and hedges (Matt: This isn't because of you :P) because it carries the appearance of a more sophisticated cigarette. However when ever I smoke them I feel sick inside.

My brand of choice? Players Filter regular. I guess I'm a sailor at heart?

Joshua

Gas station coffee, 15 minutes, life, and more...

2007-03-15T14:16:00.000-07:00

So I like coffee not expensive imported from the hills of Indonesia coffee, but regular Joe crap gas station coffee. I cant really explain my love of it, but its there. Maybe its the common mans coffee maybe because it doesn't taste like ass. I don't know but thats my thoughts on gas station coffee.

I have to be out of my house and on my way to work in about 15 minutes. I don't really like going to work but i figure its seven hours. of that only 30 minutes is actually with my boss and his wife. this is the period that causes so much stress. I have to bend over and agree with what she thinks is right I have to go "yes, I think so too..." its really fucking annoying. I wish I had a job where there was no interaction with my boss or that my boss was someone that I enjoyed being with. or that my boss was always there. Kinda like XSCargo but with out all of the bull shit. I suppose that is the perfect job eh.

10 Minutes.

I think I want to really really want to move to Winnipeg. I don't know what the draw is I mean the cheap housing is a huge plus and the culture is a huge plus. but the scenery sucks. Maybe I can move to a coastal town in BC I mean at least that way I would have the mountains and the ocean at my front door. My uncle was talking about how Prince Rupert was going to be the next big thing. Condos at only 30k. The big downside is that almost every small town in BC near mountains or Ocean is going to be the next big thing. You really cant go on predictions. I would think that there would have to be a commerce of some kind but in BC its mainly going to be trees or fish. and I don't think Prince Rupert is a huge metropolis so there wont be any side industries supporting all of those people. However that maybe an interesting venture. opening up a store in a small town.

5 minutes

My hands hurt I don't think typing is really good for me. so I am going to stop spell check and post. see y'all later

Do whats right for you.

2007-03-13T17:06:00.000-07:00

My personal finance is in the shitter. This friday I will have everything paid off and taken care of. that is a great feeling believe me. Over the last 3 months I have gone to a cash only system of spending my money I would deposit my check take out a 100 bucks and that would in theory last me till my check cleared in a week. In reality that money would be gone by saturday night and all week long would suck ass. That really isnt any different than before when I was using my debit card, but I also didn't lose money. I know it sounds silly but those nickles, dimes and pennies you put in the take a penny leave a penny bin really do add up. To emphasise this point I had a change jar to see what would happen if I just put all the tiny loose change that I normally would toss in the bin would add up to over the course of a 2 week cash spending period. $30.00 in loose change. And that wasnt big money, left over loonies or toonies, merely quarters nickles and dimes. All that money would still be in my account.... oops dinner came and went so to did my thoughts

Joshua

WTF

2007-03-08T11:26:00.000-08:00

When I was in grade 9 I went to this place to get assessed for trouble with school. I was never told the finite details of what happened there, I was merely told I had a learning disability. Fast forward to the present time as I am looking for my receipt for my computer (stupid qmscorp) and I see this giant folder that says confidential. In side this giant folder is the actual details of what went on. First and foremost I don't have a learning disability. What I do have is a below average ability in almost all things academic, which would be sufficient to say that there is a disability. My only real strong suits are Verbal skills (wtf is that, so broad) and Mathematical reasoning (Binary anyone?).

Well I have completely forgot where I was going.... oh and my writing skillz? 8th fucking percentile. Basically I'm only slightly better in writing than a water logged... log? (hahaha.... its great when you can laugh about these things)

***edit***

attached to the cover of this confidential report is:

Due to the changing nature of individual skills, these results and recommendations should be treated with caution when a significant time has elapsed since this report.

fuckers...

***edit***

Joshua

Red

2007-02-21T13:00:00.000-08:00

Pretty much all of my favorite things are red. My motorcycle is red, My Bicycle is red, My coat is red, My favorite shirts are red, My computer has hints of red, they say red is lucky.

I have to say I am a pretty lucky person. The thing is I don't always follow through on my luckiness. If we look at SAIT its pretty obvious that I was fucking lucky but like I said I don't always follow through.

So now that I have decided that I want to go to university and eventually go to law school. I can almost guarantee that I will indeed be going to university in the fall just due to my luckiness, how I do there... well that will depend on me.

Joshua

The Holiday blues are finally over.

2007-02-14T14:09:00.000-08:00

With the passing of my birthday yesterday I can now continue on living my life as the holiday season has finally come to an end. Basically from December to February I get into this negative funk. Expectations, hopes, desires. Its all over. I can now just live my life in peace knowing that nothing is going to happen and that I needent expect anything. Needless to say I feel good. Not like OMG everything is great but there is an inner calm.

Joshua

Creative writing.

2007-02-09T12:04:00.000-08:00

So... I have been thinking the success of my blogging will lie in removing the personal elements of my issues and just going on a rant about the things. I think this may also prove to help my non-blogging life :) so Any issue I have I am going to blog about in a creative manner Hopefully I will even get writers block :P

Joshua

Best shave ever.

2007-02-08T14:23:00.000-08:00

I had the best shave ever, I cannot begin to explain how good it was. There is just something about a really great shave that gets me energized for life. I think I am going to start shaving everyday just because it was such a good feeling. I did that hot towel with the shaving cream underneath... You have no idea how good that made me feel. Those barbers are damn smart.

I am excited and want to go out and have a great day.

Joshua

Things feel a little better.

2007-02-07T13:27:00.000-08:00

I think I feel less stressed out right now and I really like that feeling. The means to which this relaxed state exists might not be justified but all in all I think it is the right feelings to be having.

I just got rid of a milk crate of books. Two really cool things about this is that I got rid of a milk crate that I have had since I was something like 13 and some random books that served no purpose in my life.

Many of the books in this crate had a lot to do with religion Buddhism mainly from Tibet, India, and Japan. I think that my whole Asian thing is coming to pass and I am moving towards more of a European... thing? but yeah it feels good. I was talking with myself and I feel more like a snake shedding its skin. I am still me just growing. Also I have been helping my grandparents move and they have so much stuff and they cant seem to throw some of it out. I mean they threw out a lot of it already, but to be so attached to your things doesn't seem to help anyone and I feel really strongly about that right now.

Some of the books had to do with UNIX which I don't think has passed, but its huge monumental hold on my life is almost non existent. I learned how to use UNIX thats good, that was my goal. Do I see the benefits of using it? Yes. Do I see the pitfalls of using it? Yes. These are all good things. I continue to evolve. Not forwards not backwards, just evolution. Its far to minor to see the benefits or negatives quite yet. However I feel good about this evolution so it is good.

My room is really clean. So clean its scary. I think this is the first time in a really long time that I have been this impressed with the cleanliness of my room. Mind you it is very easy to clean. As I have been getting rid of things there is less that I actually have to deal with. I think I may even invest in new furniture. However I am not too sure because then I would have more possessions.

whatever.

My heavy heart

2007-02-05T12:40:00.000-08:00

Lately my heart has been beating irregularly. It gets me kinda worried it chugs and chugs very heavily some days you can actually see it beating through my shirt and ribs. I don't know if this is in my head if I am preoccupied with turning 22 and the direction my life is taking or if I am worried about my future or just my life. Something needs to change because this damn heart is starting to freak me out.

Joshua

Toast Gourmet & More...

2007-02-05T12:34:00.000-08:00

There is a guy his whole life he has had the cooking skills of a bachelor he knows how to pour milk into a cereal bowl, open cans, and make toast. This guy gets sick and tired of his crappy diet and decides that it is time to learn how to cook real food. Over the course of a couple of years he has mastered the art of gourmet cooking, creating fantastic meals will just about anything he lays his hands on. One day though everything went to complete shit. His girlfriend broke up with him, he lost his job, and he ended up with a debt load far greater than one could comprehend. What meal does he cook that night?

Chelsea

2007-01-31T23:38:00.000-08:00

Where do I begin...

First a word of caution to you all. This marks the first time in a very long time that I have talked about a specific relationship (be it friends/ want to be girlfriends / boyfriends whatever) in depth that actually matters and is currently happening right now.

The beginning eh?

I work at a gas station its a great gas station. Actually I hate almost every minute of it well not really every minute of it but it is a great hindrance on my desires to be a normal person. However that being said one of the best things about my job is the customers.

No matter how crappy my day is I just drink some coffee and act all silly and the world becomes a better place. I can have a conversation with anyone that walks through the doors and it doesn't matter because they leave and someone else comes in. Men women children, sometimes even dogs. Its wonderful.

The main downside of it all is that no matter how friendly someone is with you or how kind or how nice its all a show there really isn't a way to connect with anyone you meet and take it beyond the workplace. Much like my coffee induced customer service people put on fake faces and pretend its the nature of the game. Its much like if you ask someone how they are doing regardless of it all be it that they just came from a funeral or they are piled in zillions of dollars worth of debt they all just say good.

This fact has plagued me from day one and has really put me on some crazy roller coaster ride.

Enter stage right Chelsea.

I don't know what made me attracted to Chelsea but instantly I could feel something. I don't know if she brought it up with me or I just knew but she definitely wasn't from Calgary. She had that maritime warmth that wholesome your good I'm good we are all good (or maybe shes a hippy i don't know) but it just felt really really good. The major flaw with any kind of feelings for a customer at my gas station was well mentioned before its all fake. I didn't know what to do one part of me was like just enjoy the conversation and let it be the other side was my natural old self wanting a girlfriend. I wrestled with this for many days/weeks/who knows.

We bumped into each other on the streets one day must have been early to mid december we were both going in different directions (mega foreshadowing now that I think about it) and everything felt really weird. I wanted to walk her come chat talk all day long and into the evening. She wears this really cute hat that just makes me want to hold her tight. needless to say I went to work that day rather depressed that I was right in all my assumptions with regards to socialization at the gas station and that i probably would never get a chance to hang out with her and enjoy the butterflies of a newly forming relationship.

Shortly after our meeting in the streets she came into the gas station and mentioned that she was going back home to see her family. My heart sunk pretty fucking low at that moment. I could just see her staying there and never coming back and I would have never gotten the chance to say or express any of my emotions to her in fact I am sure that I even said something to the effect of you better be coming back. She laughed and said something along the lines of we will see. Im pretty sure I wished her all the best and she wandered home. You have no idea how low I felt that day.

Knowing that Chelsea was gone she slowly simmered on the back burner while I fumbled through my exams and welcomed in my grandparents and uncle for the holiday season. I think this holiday season was a huge eye opener with my family all being around and watching the dynamics of it all go on. I had a conversation with my grandfather about relationships and eating alone in restaurants with a newspaper to keep your head down. He told me about a story of him at a restaurant talking to a man who was probably in his late 50's about what they were going to do for the holiday seasons. The man had told my grandfather that there was no one in his life all his family was gone and that he would more or less be sitting at this table ringing in the holidays. My grandfather was very upset with this news and shortly there after he met my grandmother and they were to a be married even sooner (premarital sex leading to the creation of my mother but thats another story) my grandfather and grandmother don't get along but thats all good according to my grandfather because at least he isn't alone. I wouldn't say that is the most romantic story out there and I defiantly want to have a loving relationship I can certainly understand my grandfathers point about not wanting to be alone.

Shortly after Christmas my uncle left for where ever he was off to. You see my uncle is also one of those people who hasn't been in a relationship and as such I think he is a very bitter and jaded man. I think the funniest thing about all of this is that no one in my immediate family has a very successful relationship my uncle is a hermit, my aunt is in a loveless marriage living in newfoundland, my other aunt is married/divorced-for-tax-reasons, and my mother is bitter because she spent so much time trying to be herself and not letting a man control her that she is 53 and alone with her only male interaction being with a 36 year old French Canadian guy who as she puts it uses her to get out of tricky situations with his kids and his ex-wife. Anyways thats just an aside. At about this time I was starting to look at my inner homo again I dont know if that was the healthiest thing to be doing but I figured it would be better than being alone. Suprisingly guys left and right were checking me out. Did I do something? what the hell? was it just something I was noticing now or have they been doing this all the time? and why was it just guys? I mean if guys think I am cute and want to take me out is there a chance that women want me too?

Low and be hold who should show up on new years eve but Chelsea. I wanted her now more than ever. we smiled at each other and we made small talk. she asked what I was doing for new years and I asked her what she was doing. I just wanted to be with her I just didn't know how to say it I didn't know how to say that I wanted to spend the night with her and that at midnight I wanted to be kissing her. Now maybe that wasn't exactly what I was thinking but in the span of about 3 minutes trying to be giving out cash and make the other customers feel as if they weren't being ignored and trying to put my full attention on her it would have been damn hard to get that all processed and out especially with that damn annoying habit I have of repeating myself a couple of times when i am talking inside my head. Sadly she gave me a sympathetic look and wandered off home. I don't know if she could tell I would love to known if she had known though.

Then nothing really happened everything seemed to stagnate. I didn't see her. I didnt really even think about her, she was gone. Then one night I started thinking about all of the crushes I have had all of the girls that I chased after all the girls that I had made a fool of myself over and decided that something needed to be done. I needed a new girl one to start the whole process over again with to not screw up with and to actually have a girlfriend. Be the guy that finally got a girlfriend, did everything right and have some one who liked me and felt comfortable being with. Haha and some sex would have been nice (I'm a guy after all right?). I decided that the next time I saw Chelsea that I would do something and make a move of some kind, the worst thing that could possibly happen would be that she never came back into the gas station and that I would never see her again. That is a terrible thing to have happen mind you, but it couldn't be any worse than reliving past mistakes over and over again.

I waited and waited everyday at one point or another I would wonder where she was and when I would see her again. The next time that I did see her she was with a friend. Her friend was pretty cool and we got to talking about presentation in the work place and rabbits. With out really thinking I grabbed a pen and her receipt and wrote my name and number down. She smiled in that awkward I don't know what it means kinda smiled and I smiled in embarrassment back. My biggest fear at that moment was that it was all a sham and that she was just being nice to me because thats who she was and that she thought I was the most ugly person on the planet. As her friend and her walked home I sat in dread that they were laughing at me behind my back and that I would never see her again.

The funniest thing about that whole moment was that the day after I pretty much just shrugged it off. If she didn't like me there was a pretty good chance that I wouldn't see her again and that would have been that. Over the next couple of days though I got back into paranoid mode and really wanted to hear from her. I was kinda going crazy. Then I would go sane and not care and then I would go crazy, it was the silliest thing ever. In that time I flirted with a few more girls and even made a complete ass of myself in front of some 17 year old. She was really sweet and I wanted to talk to her some more so I asked for some kind of contact and she was like I don't think 6 years is healthy and then i started back pedaling trying to explain myself and it was just a mess. A few days later though I didn't really feel all that bad about it because I knew that my intentions were good and that it just came out really creepy. I mean even now I don't get flustered about it because its all good.

I had just finished this career workshop thing on the 19th and everything was feeling pretty good. I went for a beer with this guy in my class who happened to be like a 50 year old flaming homo that I had this evil secret hidden vendetta with but just came to the realization that I was going to be him if I didn't make a move in some positive direction with the opposite sex. Who should come in later that evening? You guessed it Chelsea. She was having this like crisis about soap and her aunts and weird battles they get in when the aunt she is living with gets in contact with this other aunt coming to town that evening. Knowing full well the effects family can have on ones mental well being it seemed like the perfect time to offer an evening with me to escape all of that family stuff. She didn't know if she would be able to make it and didn't want to not see her aunt but didn't want to deal with her. She seemed really stressed that whole time, I really didn't want to add to it but at the same time I also didn't want to not hang out with her so I simply gave her the option of spending the night with me. To be honest I almost thought that she didn't want to see me I really couldn't read her she was all over the map. I was so worried that I wouldn't see her. finally i just told her to call me if she could. It was really frustrating. At about 10:45ish I received a call and was asked if I would need some time to close up and I said yes and she said she would be there at around 11ish maybe 11:15ish as she too had some things to finish up. Everything some how seemed to be working out. I closed almost immediately rushed everything I threw boxes haphazardly mopped like a mofo I was extremely excited. At the same time though I didn't know what I would talk about I didn't know what to say I all of the sudden got extremely saddened as I didn't know if she would like me, maybe she would think I was lame and that this was going to be the worst night of her life. I tried to put that thought as far back in my mind as I could I really didn't need that right now.

Remaining calm I locked the door to the store and wandered out towards the intersection. There she was wandering up we were across the street, there was this huge distance between us. I tried to just wait for the light but it was taking far too long and I was getting really impatient (foreshadowing anyone? I know I know I will discuss this further in a moment or two) I bolted across the street and we finally were together not at the gas station not bumping into each other on the street. We made a decision to get together and this was the result, Finally some success. That was probably the happiest I had been in a really long time.

This is where I skip alot of what happened that night it was pretty much your typical date with the minor exception that she was extremely nervous. I didnt really understand that, i mean I had never seen this before whenever we talked at the gas station? was this her true colors? I tried not to think too much of it all and just enjoyed the night.

Now we come to nearer to the end of the night we just finished going to the bar or whatever and we were driving home. I didn't really want the night to end but there was a certain expectation that all things must come to and end so I finally did the right thing and pulled into her housing complex and parked my car. There she was again nervous as ever talking about all of these weird things that I wouldn't have ever thought of in like a million years. She was definitely cool, but this nervousness thing needed to go. I started to think back to all those movies where the girl would be all like blah blah blah and the guy would finally just kiss her and everything was happy ever after. The only hole to this theory in practical terms for me was that I really wasn't comfortable with kissing someone, in fact I can really only say that I had kissed one other person before, and that was a guy we were making out in an alley way during lunch break at Chinook college. but something had to be done, I mean in all of those movies the night ends with a kiss I kinda knew that some kind of closeness had to take place but the only thing I could do was hug her. Shortly thereafter I nuzzled my nose into her neck very awkwardly of course and then moved my head on top of hers quite literally my jaw was on her head. I was kinda hoping at this point she would have understood where I was going with this and looked down and thank god she opened her mouth and all was good. Two things were happening at this point I was um very aroused to keep it civil and my heart wouldn't stop beating. we tried to kiss once more but I just couldn't do it I couldn't breath everything was way to fucking intense. I felt really bad because I was being a complete lamer possibly just ruined the most amazing thing to happen in my life because... "my heart was beating too fast" ...fucking moron. I said good bye and sat in my car and watched her go back into her house. As I drove home a gigantic smile encroached and I felt really good. Finally regardless of my "heart" everything was starting to come together. I just needed to spend more time with her, more time in her embrace more time relaxing and enjoying my heart palpitations.

That was really my first official date ever. All in all it was a great experience I am so thankful for Chelsea and I think that if it was with anyone else it would have been a pretty lousy experience.

there is more, but all in all I think that pretty much does everything I need to say.

Joshua

Smokey the bear goes Suzy Homemaker.

2007-01-31T02:42:00.000-08:00

For anyone that knows me or has read my blog I have talked about smoking and quitting many times before. I have been a smoker for more than half of my life and I have yet to see the good things it has done for me. I don't actually need to smoke. What I do need to do though is eat. I am 120 pounds and 5'11" that is not a very healthy place to be. I am going to take up vegan cooking and bread making. I am not "going vegan" as it were, I just like the fact that it is a lot cheaper to cook with vegetables than it is meat. As for the bread making well I like fancy bread.

All being said and done I will let y'all know whats going on.

Joshua

new blogger

2007-01-28T08:07:00.000-08:00

New blogger new laptop go newness.

I want to pwn money!

bye

This blog is bullshit. Spades are aces and all of that.

2007-01-23T16:22:00.000-08:00

Things are going crazy.

I don't know what I am doing.

For the most part its exciting and new.

I look forward to the future, there are a seemingly endless number of possibilities.

The past is a good reference point for all the times that I fucked up. I don't want to dwell on that but remembering whats what is important.

I really don't know where I was going with this but I couldn't come up with a concrete post so I figured that would work wonders.

Anyways Best o' luck y'all.

Talking to your bank

2007-01-10T06:06:00.000-08:00

Sitting down with your banking representative is a good thing you can get alot accomplished. I now have an RRSP account and a Credit Card. All of this was thanks to an awesome lady named Nicole at CIBC. Thank you

Joshua

A little bit about me.

2006-12-26T03:17:00.000-08:00

There is nothing wrong with homosexuality; in fact I think it is beautiful that two souls can be joined together with disregard for sexual anatomy. However with regard to me being gay, my attraction to homosexuality is rooted in the fear that I will be alone because women don’t find me attractive. I bond easier with men and thus it seems that there would be less chance of failure if I were to accept the physical relationship that exist in the gay environment and threw myself out there. This in my mind is unhealthy because it puts my self-esteem on the very bottom. Selling myself short doesn’t exude confidence and that is the real issue at heart straight or gay. Just because I am not a viewed as attractive to one person does not mean that I am a complete waste of skin.

Being a compassionate, soft spoken, emotional person does dictate my sexual orientation.

I sometimes see these men’s magazines at work and refuse to look at them because I think that someone might think that what I am reading is silly and that I shouldn’t be looking at it, kind of like when I was younger and how I didn’t need to shave but I would and then someone would say something like why are you shaving and I would get all flustered. But it’s okay to be a guy its okay to be a man that is what I am.

I love people I get very emotionally attached to people. My friends are not pals they are people I genuinely love and have a connection with on a spiritual level. Whether that connection is reciprocated I cannot tell, which makes the whole friend thing tricky. I suppose however that it doesn’t matter if they feel the same way because they too have some indescribable way in which they feel towards me.

I have pushed quite a few people away due to my thoughts and trying to vocalize them. In one regard I am plenty sad about it, but in the other there is much to be said about the company I keep that doesn’t wish to take the time to hear me out.

Janine, Don, Remigio, and to a lesser extent Mai, I have pushed all of these people away. In one context or another, my inability to enjoy the moment at hand and let the world keep on going has greatly ruined all relationships with these people. Be it that I needed to put labels on things, or express my desires, change ones out look, or simply wanting reciprocity for my feeling has compromised great things I could have had with these people.

In the final analysis though I do not want to rectify lost battles my goal here is to move forward with my life and learn from the past. While I am truly sorry for only realizing these things now I do not wish to carry them as burdens throughout my life. I will look fondly on the times spent with these people and remember them deeply in my heart.

I have many good things on the horizon and things from times gone by, with my new found knowledge I look forward to endless possibilities and better times.

Merry Christmas y'all

2006-12-24T10:21:00.000-08:00

Just wishing you all the best for the holiday season.

Joshua

17 years later and you're still on my mind

2006-12-10T03:06:00.000-08:00

After all of the things I have been through and all of the things that I have said to you. All of the times I have made a fool of myself and all of the times I have put my foot in my mouth, You are still there.

Its not that you are constantly there is more or less that you flash in and out sometimes its for 5 minutes sometimes its there for the whole day. I google your name sometimes, sometimes I look at old photos. I still have a picture of you when you were 10 somewhere, maybe its on my fridge. Yet nothing remedies the problem.

This is the worst thing that can befall a human being, longing for the one thing he cannot have. You have shaped my inner most desires you are what I look for in my partner, But no one will ever be you. what can I do if I cannot get over you?

Janine Lieu this blog post is all about you.

Now please get out of my head.

Joshua

A new year is on its way

2006-12-07T05:21:00.000-08:00

When I was younger I used to believe that a new year began when I started school in september when I would talk about a year it was always september to june. Usually in august I would make silly atempts at resolutions and things I wanted to accomplish in that year. One of the many was usually getting a girlfriend and um losing that one thing that I hold near and dear to my heart. Now that I am not young I can honestly say that the year begins in january and as such I need to make my 'resolutions' now. To completely shatter old norms I have also decided that this will be the year that I dont get laid and dont meet anyone. To make sure this happens I am planning to start a whole new infatuation with everything korean ESPECIALLY Korean girls. I figure this is a fool proof plan not to get laid or get a girl friend and as such I cant go wrong in continuing with it. My main belief in that this will go over well is because no one is going to want to date someone who is crazy about their country... I dont know how to choose the right words to explain it. Im sure someone out there knows what I am saying and as such I will just leave it at that. So bring on the Korean madness.

joshua

Vancouver

2006-12-03T11:36:00.000-08:00

Vancouver is always good times. No doubt about it I couldn't imagine a better place to be. Its got goodness all around and is filled with interesting things. I really enjoyed the time I got to spend with Matthew and Jeff and Gordon, It was a great change of pace. I will go back as often as possible and am looking forward to each subsequent visit. Thank you for your hospitality and the coffee.

Joshua

What will come of it all...

2006-11-29T02:55:00.000-08:00

So I may have just made the best or worst move of my life. I don't know yet. Basically to sum it up in a short manner I text messaged a girl who for some unknown reason said that she would indeed have sex with me, and then 3 months later said that she did still "owe" me, that we should move in together and become a couple. I will let you all know what happens.

Joshua

So I work at a gas station.

2006-11-27T22:31:00.000-08:00

Yes thats right I work at a gas station, while its not the most glamorous job you certainly do learn alot about the habitualness of human beings and whatnot. You also get wonderful pearls of wisdom such as this. You see I hate the winter its freaking cold and you dont want to go out side and the wind blows and its icky but a customer brought up an interesting point of view today and it was that while it is ugly out once you get inside its gone and over with you dont have to think about it, your house is warm and you are happy. In the summer... you cant escape the heat!! theres just no where to go. so remember that the next time your bashing the -27 with a windchill of -40, once your inside everything is good.

JOshua

DIY and why it seems I can and cannot

2006-11-21T09:28:00.000-08:00

I really enjoy the concept of DIY however when it comes down to it there are things that I will do and there are things I wont do.

I have no qualms rolling my own smokes, and they taste pretty bad too. I mean its a great way to not spend a lot of money on smoking and I think that seems to be my main positive about it. One of the other nice things about it is the fact that I can make as many or as little as I desire.

I think I want to start packing my own lunches. It seems like a great idea, it will save money and I will be able to eat, god I love eating. The trouble here seems to be the method at which I will go about making my lunches (finding the time mostly) and what I will actually make myself to eat. Recently I have had this huge desire for chicken and I have been eating a lot of it, as much as I can. I enjoy dark chicken meat, however that is usually attached to bones and is kind of ineffective to prepare quickly. I think that I will probably make chicken breasts and they are really easy to cut and there are no bones. I don't know what I will do with them but I have today and tomorrow to figure something out.

One of my other concerns is transporting it I really would live to find a bento box and use that I think it would be damn cool. However the practicality of it seems questionable. I also would like to pack around stew, soups and pasta, so I will need to find a good wide mouthed thermos.

I think this could work out really well I just need to physically go out an do it.

Joshua

Frustration

2006-11-17T02:49:00.000-08:00

I find myself frustrated and I think I know why. Well I am more frustrated with the time spent on the internet by me looking for answers instead of actually trying to figure things out or just go for something and do something.

I don't want to sit here and bad mouth the internet, this isn't the internet's fault its a great resource for getting answers but I don't believe it has all the answers to everything.

Most recently I was debating buying a truck or not and I wanted to find out if working on a truck would be better than working on a car. In my mind it made sense because a truck would be higher off the ground and thus you could get under it easier. However for the life of me I couldn't get a decent answer from the ever important Google. No matter what combination of words strung together nothing would give me a solid answer. To say that I was out raged was an understatement. This points out one of my major flaws in that I expect that the answer is somewhere out there in the great void that is the internet. Had I just bought the damn truck and made a decision for myself I would have learned a lot more and would maybe have something to say about it. As it stands I do not have a truck nor do I have anything to say about it and that is what pisses me off about the internet and myself.

You haven't the foggiest how many times I have sat at Google and asked question after question hoping for an answer. Why? why would that make sense? what does that do for me? Nothing as I see it. I mean like I said I have spent far too much time on the internet trying to learn from other people than I have on my own trying something out.

Ideally I would like to say that I am from this day forward going to just do things for the sake of doing things and if it has been done before or there is something that i could have learned from some page some where then whatever. Realistically there will be a transition phase where I don't do anything and then do a little and then a little more until I am comfortable with where I am. I think even that statement is still far from the truth. Granted I am talking about the future and anything is possible I just cant be 100% certain if what I am saying will hold true.

I think the most important thing that needs to be addressed here though is that I need to start living life. That seems almost silly saying that but it is the whole hearted truth that needs to be emphasized some how, and I like using my blog to teach me a lesson.

Joshua

Automobiles and Females

2006-11-15T21:17:00.000-08:00

Two things that absolutely mystify me. I haven't the foggiest how to find a quality one. I wouldn't know what to do if I were to get one. Nor do I know anything about maintaining one.

In mean on the plus side with a car if all else fails I can take out a loan and go buy a new one... With a woman??!?!?!

the two things I want and they both confuse the heck out of me.

Life's confusing.

Joshua

Bye bye apple...

2006-11-15T07:48:00.000-08:00

Hello truck?

Thats right folks. I may just have a truck on my hands. its kinda weird how one thing leads to another and then another and then there you are. Im also very impressed how far 50.00 can actually get you if you have a bit of luck on your side. While i say its a 50.00 dollar laptop and a 50.00 dollar truck, its more like a 100 but who is counting?

I will post some photos of it when I get it home. Other than that, toodles.

Joshua

$200 Jetta lore.

2006-11-10T00:37:00.000-08:00

The time is now upon me to find my jetta. I fugure no one will let go of their car for a small sum of money, however people like computers. I will go find a decent computer from a non reputable source, and post an ad on craigslist looking for my car. Everything great usually happens that way and who am I to stop it from doing such. wish me luck all.

Joshua

Joshua Varner and Software Piracy are dead

2006-11-03T01:13:00.000-08:00

After the scare with My downloading foray I have completely removed every bit of piracy in my life. I have reformatted my computer with the disc that came with the origional shipment, and am only going to be using GPL or BSD software, until I can afford to buy real software. I am very sorry to the companies that I stole from and am going to make an effort to be as good as I possibly can with regards to piracy.

Joshua Varner

The world makes no sense.

2006-11-02T22:11:00.000-08:00

Of the thousands of people using bittorrent to download illegal and pirated things, why is it that I got blammed for it? This is one of those things like if you are driving 55 in a 50 your the guy thats getting pulled over, not the dude with the suped up civing going 180. Thats the world for you.

Joshua

Bad movies.

2006-10-31T11:37:00.000-08:00

There are alot of different things that can make a bad movie bad. One of the biggest in my mind is terrible film making, like the actual craft. Bad film splicing bad camera work, bad sound, bad everything that isnt related to the story. Then we come to the next pet peeve bad stories. You know some guy has to go resque someone from something there are lots of explosions and ample amounts of scantly clad women and fast cars. What does that have to do with anything other than grab money. its bloddy aweful. Those are pretty much the two things that piss me off the most about movies. Now if you can believe it there is only one more thing that I cant stand about a movie, and thats how it makes me feel. I have just recently watched a movie (last night) that made me so sad so emo so all of those bad feelings you can get rid of. it was really bad. I lied in bed crying for like 3 hours. It wasnt so much that the movie was sad, I think in reality it was supposed to be sad, but it just hit me with this surge of sadness that I couldnt control no matter how hard I tried.

Joshua

Fools something or other.

2006-10-20T23:55:00.000-07:00

I wouldnt say that I am a fool, just that I dont fully grasp the wholeness of something until I say I am going to do something. Lets take for instance iceland. I got payed 384 dollars on friday. I have 410 dollars worth of bills to pay and I have rent comming up in november. Im not saying that I cant go to iceland, but there is so much stress about it all that I dont know if it is worth it. There are two ways to look at it and I dont dont care... I also over think things its really anoying.

Have a good night

968-1401

2006-10-19T13:32:00.000-07:00

You know who you are and I hope you get a chance to read this.

I really miss hanging out with you, I miss drinking beer with you and talking with you about anything and everything. I miss arguing with you about things that were completely irrelevant. I miss smoking with you, I miss seeing your childern and your wife. I miss just about everything about you. The only tangeble thing thing I have to remember you by is the trinket given to me at your sons christening. I made your chicken (chicken abodo?) and I felt kinda weird not being able to tell you about it.

That sounds pretty terrible of me, I just rambled on about me.

I hope all is well, I hope you like your new job, I hope your children are happy and healthy. One day I hope to be able to get a beer with you.

617-3202

Pondering the out of reach.

2006-10-11T07:12:00.000-07:00

With the great many positives in my life I am wondering if I can make the ultimate positive change, quit smoking. I think I am at a point in my life where I might be able to actually give 'er up.

Im not saying that I actually will, but the thought is there, and something I am very keen on exploring.

Joshua

Who I am versus who I want to be - School and more.

2006-10-10T12:34:00.000-07:00

I came to yet another great conclusion.

I am taking computer engineering technologies here at SAIT. what that means is I am learning a great detail about random computer shit.

Now a year ago, and before that I was in love with all things computers which stemmed from CS and My mother, and this made the most sense to me at that point. Now, I cant say that I have that same love.

My old mind set would have said. Stop what you are doing josh you dont love it, and go do something you do love. But you know something? what I go to school for and what I end up doing for a job doesnt have to be something that I absolutely love.

I did this whole computer thing because It made sense to me, it was a solution to the "What do you want to do when you grow up?" problem. So, lets do it, and other things.

I dont have to eat sleep and breath computers. I can do lots of other things solong as I remember and have priorities on my education.

Joshua

Conclusions continued

2006-10-09T09:31:00.000-07:00

Well after a really long night stying up reading travel guides, watching TV and generally doing alot of useless stuff that really doesnt help me in anyway, I have one more thing I need to add to this permanent log of thoughts I have going on.

While the world is my oyster, I also have somethings that need to be taken care of before I blaze a new trail. I should focus at the task at hand, I only have about 9 weeks of school left and should use this time to get that done to the best of my ability. After that is completed, I should have another 4 month stretch followed by a 4 month hiatus (possibly longer) to do what ever my heart desires. In this 6 month time span of schooling and academia I should set aside some cash, for a grandious adventure, but not let that rule my thoughts.

While this weekend has been a great time to get back to figuring out who I am, when I wake up tomorrow, I need to get back to who I am trying to be, and that involves waking up early, making coffee, getting on a bus and going to school, wide eyed and ready to absorb whatever it is I am told is important.

I wont forget what I want, I will only sacrifice it for 9 more weeks. Much like all the other conclusions I have come to and blogged about, it is here for the record and will be at the forefront of my mind, similar to my previous post about not thinking about myself as a way to get out of depression, this is one more tactic to achieving something great.

Thank you and have a good night/day

Conclusions

2006-10-09T05:31:00.000-07:00

I have come to one of the greatest conclusions I have ever come to in my entire life.

Anything that I have ever wanted to do since I was able to concieve ideas, is entirely possible.

What that really means, is that I can travel the world, do crazy and stupid things. I can go guerilla camping I can go mountaineering, I can travel the world. I can bum around thailand I can go to south america, I can cycle to boston on a single speed, I can go on a 100.00 dollar adventure and see where the wind takes me.

I am free to do anything I like. Nothing and I mean nothing is holding me back. Sure it would be smart to go to school, and It would be more cost effective to read about places, but there really isnt that holds be back like there was when I was 16. Mainly because I am not 16 anymore. Thats a great thing to know, and you have no idea how long it has taken me to figure that out.

Joshua

Welcome to 4:30 am

2006-10-05T03:37:00.000-07:00

Howdy.

SO this is my day at 430, its really no different than say 6 or 7 other than there isnt a whole heck of alot going on, really no more than 6 or 7 just maybe a little bit less.

I cant sayt that I really like it or that I reallyy hate it, it just is. There are lots of things like that, that we take no mention of everyday. Like traffic. You really dont have any control over traffic, it just is. Similarly I guess if you didnt like traffic, you wouldnt drive, with say waking up at 4am you counld not wake up, but if I didnt I wouldnt be able to go to work and get payed, much like driving during rush hour, you just gotta do it if thats what you have chosen to do.

I think that was a really long way to describe something, probably not even needed. However sometimes you just have to say what you have to say.

I really enjoy waking up at 4, its my own little way of being me. its kinda like pulling all nighters.

Anyways. I will let you get back to doing whatever you are doing now.

Have a good day.

Sitting anticipating the best

2006-10-03T11:14:00.000-07:00

I have these weird brakes in my schedule where I sit for great deals of time doing absolutely nothing. I would go as far to say that these are the best times of my day. While the productivity factor is far from high, the enjoying life and all its splendor is completely inverse of its productivity counter part.

I mean there are days where I dip below the happy level, but that is normal for most people, and completely normal as I see it. I mean to say that it is normal looking at it from where I sit in my happy day. When I look at it from my sad day point of view it is completely abnormal and I am the only person on the face of the earth who is having a bad day. I suppose that is the nature of it all though. I am only focused on myself in those moments, and not in the world around me and where I sit in it all.

I cant say that I will learn anything from that, but I mean haveing a reference for future days seems like it could be a positive thing.

As for why everything is, I dont really think I need anything, all of my needs and wants for the most part are taken care of. I think that when I get depressed I cant see a way to safely and logically satisfy my own needs (that again makes the most sense as I see it right now, and directly ties into my previous statement about the whole focused on myself thing)

I dont know where I am going with this all, but its there its out there, and thats all I have to say at this point in time.

Joshua

OSX screenie

2006-09-27T19:18:00.000-07:00

Now thats gui awesomeness

Joshua

Happy owner of ibook g4

2006-09-26T18:44:00.000-07:00

Yes that correct I am now the happy owner of an ibook.

Talk to you all later, maybne even hook you up with a screen shot or two

Thoughts change.

2006-09-24T00:09:00.000-07:00

With the chaos in my little world, I didnt think it would be possible to fully be over someone.

This sounds really weird I know and I am sure a few of you know who I am talking about but for clarification I am talking about Mai.

Now some would say "'bout fucking time" and others I am sure would say "okay" but its not really about anything.

I sat there and read her blog and realized that there isnt alot there that I can really associate with, even the school factor. I was actually rather bored of it all. I can remember a time when I would enjoy reading every word, but now not so.

I think the sad thing here is that at this point in time I really dont have anyone taking her place on the "Wow I really like her"-position.

Not knowing if that is a good thing or a bad thing I continue on.

Have a good night all.

Joshua

Back to blogging

2006-09-03T07:58:00.000-07:00

Hello people.

I dont know what the purpose of bringing this back would be, however it is back and alive.

I had taken this site off of line for a while due to not having the internet. Now that I have the internet I cant see a reason why I wouldn't have a blog.

I cannot commit to updating everyday nor can I commit to excellent posts. I will do my best to write every now and again and let you all know how I am doing.

-Joshua

New screenshot

2006-08-23T23:31:00.000-07:00

Yeah...

2006-06-28T20:22:00.000-07:00

So yes I am still alive for those of you who were wondering I really cant say much is happening with my life its pretty plain and boring.

hows your life?

-joshua

A year in review

2006-06-14T09:56:00.000-07:00

Typically when one does a year in review type thing it is typically done in december when the year is over, however with 2006 being half way completed I thought it might be best to take a look at the short commings of this year for me and some things that I can improve upon for the next year.

Well the bigest one I can think of would be school. Not taking it seriously and drinking too much probably added to the biggest headache of the last 6 months.

Second most noticable down fall of the first 2 quarters of 2006 would be my piss poor interactions with my friends. A sub category of that would be the job thing. Being poor isnt cool, and assuming people will pick up your tab is also pretty shitty.

Really if I had any beef with the first half of 2006 it would be those two points and thats it. there will always be minor points however looking at the biog picture will more than likely be the best route to go with this matter.

Thats all for me folks, heres hoping for a better last 2 quarters

-Joshua

Worst trip ever

2006-06-13T20:33:00.000-07:00

first day on the job I get injured and now I am getting sent back home. :(

-joshua

Off to a new world.

2006-06-10T23:08:00.000-07:00

Well folks... Im off to grand prarie in like > 8 hours.

fun fun... hopefully my hotel room has the interwebs.

-Joshua

Long time no see world

2006-05-28T13:10:00.000-07:00

SO I am at work right now, and apparently my internet should be connected sometime today, I am quite excited.

There is quite alot of nothing going on in my life. I work for XSCargo, and that is pretty much it. I would like a lot more, however I think its a case of what I put into it I will get out.

Anyways.. take it easy

-Joshua

Gloomy summer

2006-05-14T19:03:00.000-07:00

njsldkflksdf

-Joshua

Wowzorz....

2006-05-07T21:56:00.000-07:00

Yo, The internet is dull.

Like dont get me wrong I still Like it, and I think its a valuable tool for life, Notice "Tool for Life" part. See, I dont think its the be all and end all of life. Its pretty damn cool still. but Yeah I am getting by stealing interwebs where ever and when ever I can :P

Needless to say, have a good night all.

-Joshua

Hello My Name is Joshua Varner.

2006-05-06T17:17:00.000-07:00

Hello my name is Joshua Varner, and I am an alcohalic.

I have come to realize that my getting drunk has affected many things in a negative way.

I fear that I am on the verge of losing my friends because they dont like me when I get drunk.

I have been kicked out of my house, because I spend too much time at the bar with my friends till all hours of the night, not spending anytime at home.

I do not sleep well if I do not have a beer in my system.

When I get stressed out I drink beer because it floats my worries away.

There are a great many things that I wish to say, however I realize that words have no meaning, and actions will always trump words.

Over the course of the next week I plan on getting in touch with a local AA or AA like group.

I believe there is more to this life than getting drunk, and I dont want to wake up 40 alone, with no one around me, no friends no family, that is the worst think that I can see.

-Joshua

Updating a blog can be taxing

2006-05-04T01:45:00.000-07:00

So I am having this conversation with Gordon, and it reminds me of how hard it can be to update your blog. I mean with all the alcohal consumption and late random nights sleeping in train stations and work... I mean who has the time to commit to updating. I have a pretty plain life, imagine if I had more on the go, work/school/GF/second job/partying all night.... It could be pretty taxing.

so I can understand if you dont get a chance to update all the time. so I will forgive all of you for not updating all the time.

I should continue with my emotions... but whatever

-Joshua

Wish me luck

2006-05-03T12:38:00.000-07:00

Okay I am moving as we speak... well kinda... but I mean... You know.

I will temporaily be away from the interwebs.

Um I hope everything is good with everyone, and I will talk with you all later.

-Joshua

BEST SUMMER EVER!!!

2006-04-27T21:39:00.000-07:00

OMG I AM READY FOR THE BEST SUMMER EVER!!!

-joshua

I found a pair of vans today

2006-04-25T10:26:00.000-07:00

So I went to go buy smokes, and I found a pair of vans on my way their. I promptly picked them up and toook them home for a good washing. they are now in the dryer so I can wear them to work. I like fining stuff like that it brightens up my day. Now All I need to do is find a laptop and I am good to go.

-Joshua

Banking on the government

2006-04-21T09:41:00.000-07:00

I think I should be shot for thinking the government will be prompt on giving me money. Damn I hate waiting. I just want to buy cigarettes.

-Joshua

Family

2006-04-18T07:59:00.000-07:00

I must say having my family in town seems to have made quite the difference in my life, I feel quite normal and not all sketched out all the time. I have been really comfortable in my own skin and have not had the need to jump out of a building or pull out my hair.

Its also been quite the weekend my family got in friday, Saturday was drinking with my family, sunday was drinking with my family, Monday family went to banff and mother and I went to go watch Mavis Staples and Taj Mahal.

I must admit I was not too keen on going and I had far from the best time of my life, but it was nice to spend some time with my mother where she wasnt ranting on me or telling me I am a loser or that I will never amount to anything.

Needless to say this weekend has been pretty great.

-Joshua

A supreme case of the OMGs

2006-04-14T09:30:00.000-07:00

Last night was weird. I dont know. I woke up on daves couch where apparently I slept sitting up, with money in my back pocket and a coke and a bag of chips in my backpack. I remember little fractions of the night but otherwise it was a blur. I dont have a hang over I am still however drunk. wow

-Joshua

I made pizza!

2006-04-11T12:39:00.000-07:00

And not from a shell kit! I made my own dough! I kneeded it I rolled it and I put it in a pan so I could make like pan pizza!then I chopped up some onions and peppers, fried some beef and grated some cheeze mixed it all together and I have just put it in the oven. I will let you all know how it turns out as soon as it is done!

-Joshua

Something is a 'brewin!

2006-04-11T08:24:00.000-07:00

I have come to the conclusion I need to brew and bottle my own beer. This will be done on an extremely low budget with cheap components and bottled in 2L pop bottles. I will be going after the IPA (India pale ale) style of brewing and it will be marvelous.

-Joshua

Supremely unimpressed

2006-04-10T09:38:00.000-07:00

I am supremely unimpressed with the last few days of my life. Aside from working I've just felt this really negative vibe with everyone around me. I know that 99.99% of its un my head, but still this is so uncool its killing me inside. I cant wait till everything makes sense once again.

-Joshua

Joshua Part 2

2006-04-06T07:12:00.000-07:00

Joshua also likes Joshua with a shaved face.

so to recap

Joshua likes being poor (when it doesnt interfere with his smoking)
Joshua likes a shaved face.

-Joshua

Joshua

2006-04-05T19:34:00.000-07:00

Ive come to the realization that joshua with no money has more fun than joshua with money. I dont know what that means, I like having fun so yeah. less money makes me happy. Losing my train of thought.

-Joshua

Its raining in the land of cows and cowboys!

2006-04-04T23:21:00.000-07:00

I like it when it rains becuase its not snow.

So don and I decided to go skateboarding. This was a better Idea than talking about some girl that I really didnt want to talk about, although we ended up talking about and I will be seeing on friday.

all and all its been a good day.

-Joshua

OMG NEW PLAN!

2006-04-04T17:38:00.000-07:00

Im moving to Winnipeg :)

FSCK you e-bay

2006-04-04T16:45:00.000-07:00

I hate e-bay :@

Question for the masses

2006-04-03T21:09:00.000-07:00

Do you think its possible to be attracted to someone you have never physically met?

-Joshua

OMG weekend.

2006-04-03T07:40:00.000-07:00

So, I started work at XSCargo NE again. wow.

So friday after classes we decided to go to the local public house here on campus and have some wobly pops. After that I decided to go to work slightly intoxicated. Well work was as good as usual, maybe even slightly better because I was under the influence. Work ended with a bang, mainly that it was over so off I head to the rat and parrot for some more wobly pops with some good friends. 3am roared its ugly head and sleep was no where to be seen. Why not watch a movie and then another? well a sane person might cry foul and declare the night kaput for some much needed sleep. Not I, I was up watching movies! then 7am roared its ugly head, that wasnt a pretty sight as you can imagine.

Off I went into the foggy morn for some good working awesomeness, 9am to 5pm at XSCargo, thats nothing for a sleep deprived moron like I! I think I was in a haze all day. FINALLY! 5pm came and I was no where to be seen, actually I was next door at the pub for a bit of I-haven't-slept-for-a-hell-of-a-long-time-antisocialization.

I ended up at home, you know to shower and go to bed. hahaha well thats not entirely ture, I showered and changed, but sleep? that was out of the question. Off to the rat and parrot I go for round two? that also isnt quite true as I only drank coke and ate wings. I didnt want to have another late night, and I knew that I would have to work on my comm report so don and I called it quits at about midnight, I ran over to daves house to pick up my laptop, and headed home.

While we were waiting for the ctrain we met this guy who was kinda weird talking too, I think thats all I am going to say about him.

I got home at about 1ish and didnt go to sleep till about 2ish so it was a good 44 Hours of no sleep.

that was my fscked up weekend, How was yours?

-Joshua

I Quit quitting.

2006-03-30T22:21:00.000-08:00

Im not saying its too hard, its just not the right time sorry for letting you all down.

-Joshua